Life Update – Our Infertility Story

This post is one that has been on my heart to write for months. But, I’ve been holding back. At what point is it acceptable to talk about your fertility issues? I feel like the general consensus is the one year mark. But a year is a long time to feel disappointment, frustration, and fear. Yet at the same time, I’ve felt like maybe because it hasn’t been a full year for us that I don’t get to use the “i” word. Some women have been struggling with infertility for YEARS and here I am at the 10 month mark. I can’t even imagine their pain. So, until now, I haven’t felt worthy to talk about the issue. Who am I to talk about this? We haven’t been trying for years, I haven’t seen a specialist, I haven’t started any fertility medications, I haven’t been through any invasive procedures. Yet, over and over, God has been putting it on my heart to share this with all of you.

I’ll start from the beginning… When Adam and I got married 5 years ago, we knew that we wanted to wait a while before having kids. We loved being married and just getting to enjoy each other and our time together. But, even then, Adam would say that if it unexpectedly happened, he would be okay with it. I remember thinking he was crazy and saying, “No way. That cannot happen anytime soon. I am not ready for that.” Shortly after we were married, I started blogging and, in addition to teaching full-time, I was very focused on building my blog and Instagram account. I felt that anything else that took my time away from Adam, teaching, and blogging was just not doable. Over the years, I continued to feel that way. How could I do anything else?

Somewhere in-between all of that, I started and completed my Masters degree. But honestly, I barely had time to do everything I was doing. A lot of our friends began to have children, but I never felt ready. Adam slowly began to feel more ready and we would talk about it, but still in the future tense. Last year, we finally decided that maybe we should be taking steps toward kids.

I agreed that I needed to go off of birth control, even if we weren’t actively trying. My body would need time to adjust to being off of birth control, so I knew that it would still probably be awhile. I stopped taking it in April of last year. Originally, we agreed that we would start trying over the Summer. The Summer came, and I started to get cold feet. Adam was understanding but also frustrated because I kept changing the plan. We’re both planners. We thought that I would stop birth control in April/give my body a few months to adjust, then I would get pregnant in the Fall, and have the baby in the Spring. Perfect timing for the end of school! But of course, it wasn’t that easy.

All last Summer, I prayed and prayed about this. I prayed that if it was time for us to take the next step that God would change my heart. I prayed that He would ease my fears and help me to move forward in confidence and excitement. At that time, all I felt was stress. Was I really ready? How in the world was I going to do it all? I kept telling Adam how this is going to be a change for both of us, but a HUGE change for me. I was also feeling a little selfish. Was I really ready to give up my body? My Summers off? My time? Energy? I already take care of children all day. I LOVE MY JOB. But it is exhausting. Would I have enough energy to come home & give 110% to my own kids? I wanted to know that this was what God wanted for us. I wanted to do it in His timing… I even remember praying that. But for some reason, in the back of our minds, we tend to think that OUR timing is HIS timing. Ha-ha. Not always true.

Over those Summer months, God did change my heart. I did a complete 180 and started to feel like that was exactly what I wanted. I knew that God was molding my heart because how else could my feelings shift so suddenly? He eased my fears and allowed me to confidently take the next step. Adam and I began trying in August. I thought it would be so easy. God got me there. He changed my heart about the situation. I just knew that everything would work out according to “our plan.” Not the case.

Over the next few months, 9 of my friends and family members got pregnant. As happy as I was for each of them, my heart broke a little more each time I heard the news. Why wasn’t it happening for us? How could God bring me so far to just leave me here, waiting?

I should also mention that we told no one that we were trying. A funny thing about me: as much as I share on Instagram and on here, I am actually a pretty private person. There are a lot of things that I just don’t like to share, and I told Adam from the beginning that I didn’t want to tell anyone. (I still don’t really like talking about it in person). First, I didn’t want the added pressure of everyone knowing. And second, I thought it was going to be so fun to surprise our family out of nowhere. They’ve known my hesitation about this over the years, so I knew that it would be the biggest/best surprise ever. I envisioned cute Halloween themed announcements, and then Christmas card announcements, and then Valentine themed announcements, but none of those happened.

It seemed like everywhere I turned, it was all about babies. We would be out with friends, and everyone would start talking about babies and asking when we were going to start trying. I would lie and say, “Oh I don’t know.” I would open Instagram and there would be an influx of pregnancy announcements. We even went to dinner one night and a huge gender reveal party was happening in the restaurant at the table RIGHT NEXT TO US. It was like I couldn’t escape it. Everyone was talking about their pregnancy, their babies, etc. and at times I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My heart hurt so badly and part of the reason was because I was keeping it all in. I didn’t even share it with my mom for MONTHS.

I’ve been through the whole gambit of emotions. I’ve felt bitter, angry, jealous, worried, heart-broken, unworthy, and broken. Why is it that my body hasn’t been able to do what it’s specifically designed to do? What’s wrong with me? Again, this is where I have felt like I shouldn’t be talking about this because it’s only been 10 months. I know nothing of the pain of waiting for years. Those of you who have, I am so in awe of your strength. I don’t even know what to say to you, except that I am praying for you.

So, why am I sharing this now? I told Adam a few months ago that I would “probably share a little about it at some point…” And since then, God has been writing these words on my heart.

A few Sundays ago at church, our pastor spoke about Paul. He shared the scripture from 2 Corinthians where Paul was writing about his vision and his thorn. Paul, who was one of the most revolutionary figures in Christianity, shared that he was given a thorn in his flesh. We do not know exactly what this was, but he said that he pleaded with the Lord 3 times to take it from him, and God said no. You would think that God would fix that for Paul, of all people. But he didn’t. Instead, He used it to mold Paul, to work through Paul, and to urge Paul to draw nearer to Him.

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

That last part. Wow. I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. This is so hard. And this is the exact opposite of what I’ve been doing. I’m a type A personality, a high-achiever, a “work harder and it will happen” kind of person. And I’ve been hiding from this. I haven’t talked about it. I’ve felt like I was being punished for all the years I wasn’t sure. I’ve felt like this was almost something to be ashamed of.

Until that Sunday. That sermon hit me hard. I’m supposed to be boasting in my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. The NLT version says “So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

So, here I am. Laying everything down. Boasting about my weakness. Because maybe someone else needs to hear these words too. Maybe you feel the same way I did. Maybe you feel that you can’t talk about this because your pain doesn’t compare to someone else’s pain. But no matter how long you’ve been waiting to become a parent, pain is pain. For some, the path to parenthood is easy. But for others, it’s frustrating, exhausting, and can feel so lonely.

I know what you’re going through.

I know how it feels.

Because I’m feeling it too.

And I’m here for you.

For when we are weak, then we are strong.

With lots of love, and a much lighter heart,